Yet Another Reason

I was watching the Lakers/Nuggets game last night and I learned yet another reason why I never got to play in the NBA. First, it is important to go over some of the previous reasons that have prevented me from playing professional basketball.

I am a six foot, two inch white guy who can't jump. I have a decent, but inconsistent jump shot and never have been a great free throw shooter. I can't dribble with my left hand, or really even to to my left at all. I am a decent passer, but sometimes I tend to throw the ball a little hard and wild, leading to a broken nose or two, and I usually see holes that aren't really there and I try and slip it in. I have deceptive speed, though, all in all I am pretty slow. My best move was to start at the top of the key, put my head down, lower my shoulder, pick up my dribble, and go to the basket. It was an affective move if I didn't commit a charge and if I was able to slow down and get under control. So I had that going for me so I think that would have given me a chance.

But I learned last night that one of the top reasons I am not playing in the NBA is because I don't have any tattoos. I have always noticed the tats on NBA players, but watching the game last night it just really stood out to me. I mean, really the only difference between me and Chris "Birdman" Anderson is that he can jump, wears a headband, looks like a tool, and is covered in tats. All of the tats don't bother me, I really don't care, I just noticed it and realized that that was one of the reason I didn't make it to the NBA.

All of this led to me thinking about a match up between an All-Tat Team and an All-Clean Team. I am going limit the players to those that have played in my lifetime and I am considering each guy in their prime (though some haven't reached their prime yet). To be on the All-Tat Team you have to have multiple, vi sable tats. I am going to compare each position match up and declare a winner and then declare the overall winner. Okay, let's give it a try.

Point Guard
All-Tat: Chauncey Billups
All-Clean: Magic
Winner: Magic...Billups is going to be great, but he is no Magic. It wasn't easy to find a tatted up point guard, but Billups could hold his own in a big game.

Shooting Guard
All-Tat: The Black Mamba
All-Clean: Jordan
Winner: Jordan...As much as you all know I would love to give it to Kobe, I just can't

Small Foward
All-Tat: King James
All-Clean: Larry Bird
Winner: LeBron...Could you all imagine Bird with a bunch of tats...funny...anyway, as good as Bird was, LeBron takes this on.

Power Forward
All-Tat: Dennis Rodman
All-Clean: Tim Duncan (he has a tattoo, but it is on his back and you can't see it during games)
Winner: Duncan...He is the best, but boy, I would love to see Rodman go at it again.

Center
All-Tat: Shaq
All-Clean: The Dream
Winner: Shaw...This is a close one, but Shaq in his prime was the best.

Bench
All-Tat: Carmelo, AI, Amare Stoudemire, Deron Williams, Tracy McGrady
All-Clean: Barkley, The Admiral, Stockton, Garnett, D Wade
Winner: All-Clean...Not really even close.

In my examination of these teams I realized that while tattoos are a big part of the NBA, they really aren't any indicator of the type of player you will be. Now I know that these teams look the the 80s versus the 2000s, but even still, the bench on the All-Tat Team isn't great compared to the players that were left of the All-Clean Team that play today. So I have to give the advantage to the All-Clean Team on this one, but it would be a fun game to watch.